Something happened to me about six years ago that changed the course of my life. Before this I lived what could be described as a blessed life. Everything just worked. I experienced many of the same problems and difficulties as my peers, but there wasn’t much of a struggle before another door would open onto a better opportunity and greater rewards.

Even when all outer appearances indicated that I should be unhappy and fearful, I wasn’t. The worse it got the happier I became. In time the difficulty would pass and a greater level of prosperity would arise. This was the story of my life, up until about six years ago and recently culminating in a physical sickness and a lucid dream.

First, the sickness. I suppose many of you wouldn’t describe a cold or flu as a sickness, but for me it felt as if a run-away freight train has just left the tracks and exploded within my chest. Perhaps it is merely my unfamiliarity with such things as I’ve only been sick four times in my life, though there may have been occurrences earlier in my childhood that I don’t recall.

After three days of relentless symptoms, sleep deprivation, and mental fatigue I collapsed into bed unable to rise except for the most dire need. At some point during the night I fell into a dream, a lucid dream with the visual acuity of a high-definition movie, yet an awareness of total wakefulness.

My body had been picked up from the bed and laid upon a cart, a flat wooden two-wheeled cart of the type you might see in a film about a plague. Yes, the one upon which the bodies of the dead would be loaded as it was pulled through the streets. But I was alone upon it as it moved along.

The sound of the wheels on the street, which appeared to be made of cobblestone, was the only noise I heard. My head was turned to one side giving me a view of the buildings as we passed by and a glimpse of other buildings beyond this particular street. I was clearly traveling through a rather large city.

It didn’t take long for me to determine the reason for my especially troubled feelings about this cityscape. First, it was dark. There were no lights, not within the buildings nor could I see any source of light from without. Yet I could see each building in explicit detail. They were all evenly silhouetted on every side from this mysteriously absent source of light. Each building could only be described as a shade of darkness.

There was something else missing that took me a bit to discern. There were no trees, no flowers, no birds, no insects, nothing that would suggest in the slightest any evidence of life. Yet, the buildings were occupied. There was no doubt in my mind about that. But who! Who could possibly live here?

Two things came into my mind simultaneously. One, an answer. The other, a revelation. This wasn’t a random place. It was my city. I lived here. How is it possible to live in a place and not know it as home? And the revelation? The buildings cast no shadows. This was a city made up of shadows.

What is a shadow but a form without substance! It’s existence, if you could call it that, depends entirely upon the play of light upon an object existing independently in a true reality. A shadow existing separately from its source must be an illusion, meaning it could only become subjectively real within the imaginative mind.

To create such an unreal place from the formless nothingness of a shadow could only be attributed to a mind gone mad, insane. The fact that I was not alone in this lunacy provided no comfort.

Abruptly the cart came to a stop just outside the city. In front of me rose a hill covered in grass, the first signs of life I’d seen. Over the top of the hill I could see a sunrise forming. I waited but the sun did not rise. Intuitively I knew that I must get to the light. So I rolled off of the cart and began crawling on hands and knees toward the crest of the hill. With each small movement I gasped for air, choking on each minuscule breath. It wasn’t long before I collapsed on the ground. My head pounded, my lungs gasped for oxygen while my entire body expressed its absolute discontent.

It had been many years since I’d been given a pop-quiz, but here it was before me. A single question, two possible answers. You may have heard stories of people who’d stopped breathing and traveled through a tunnel of light to be met by a wise being who graciously offered them the choice of continuing forward or returning to their previous life on Earth. My experience of this great decision was altogether different. I was lying in the dirt, not having yet made it to the grassy knoll, gasping for air, choking on my own bodily fluids, while giving my utmost attention to simply remain conscious.

Yet here I was being clearly presented with that same choice. I gave up the struggle, my face sinking deeper into the mire. As I lay there choking on a mixture of air and dirt, I contemplated the outcome. As I did so a calmness came over me. I had lived a wonderful life. My children were grown. My wife was very capable of going on without me. There was no shame in letting go. I wasn’t afraid.

Yet, there were still so many things I wanted to accomplish. In some ways I felt as if I was just beginning to really live my life. There was much to look forward to. Sure there were a few drawbacks, but …

I made my choice, pushed myself away from the ground and resumed crawling. There is, without a doubt, great strength in resolution. As I reached the grass my lungs began to clear, the fog lifted from my head, and soon I stood erect on the crest of the hill breathing in the light.

It was such a simple, almost irrelevant, observation yet I knew it held a profound truth. As I faced the light the shadows are not visible. They remained behind me with no ability to distort my view. I smiled to myself, knowing I would awaken whole again.

It was then I heard His voice. “There will be no instantaneous healing, Michael. You want my gifts, but not my love.”

I sat up in bed. My sheets were soaked. Sweat ran down my face. I sat there shivering. How could He say that! It’s just not true. It can’t be true. I’m not like that. That’s not me. I tried every form of denial and rationalization I could muster. In the end, I accepted and fell asleep.

The next morning I shared this dream with my wife. She listened quietly until I told her of His message. Her reaction was also intense, although from an entirely different perspective than mine. She told me that about six years ago she saw a change in me. Up until then I lived with a philosophy of “being in the world, but not of the world.” And then I changed, getting upset over minor things, getting angry for little reason, complaining about every annoyance.

Of course I wanted to disagree. But I knew it was true. I could think of no particular event or occasion that might have turned me away from my foundational beliefs. I suppose it just sort of happened, over time, gradually, with hardly any resistance from my own conscious mind. How could I not see this taking place? More accurately, why did I do so little to stem the tide when I did notice my actions and attitudes falling so far from my expectations and beliefs about myself?

Is it possible for one person to become another sort of person for the most inconsequential of reasons? What force could cause an individual who smiles constantly, forgives instantly, and loves easily to turn into a bad-tempered, short-fused, not-so-nice guy? I could blame circumstance, the government, the economy. I have the data to back it up.

Over the course of the last few years I lost my career, my businesses, my home (managed to sell it for less than invested), my savings, my retirement, my dignity, etc. I am reminded of a biblical passage, “To him that has, more shall be given. To him that has not, even that which he has shall be taken from him.” What was it I did not have? Love.

When He said I did not want His love He was showing me the way Home. We receive love when we give love. The way to His Love, and all of His gifts, is through loving all that He loves with the same gentle acceptance and understanding that He shows to each and every one of us. We must be Love.

When He told me I would not be healed, it was not a punishment. It is Love that heals us, holds us, guides us, and fulfills our every need. Without Love we are empty, unable to receive and, as my testimony affirms, unable to retain possession of that which we believe is ours.

For the record, I didn’t go from being a good person to a bad person. But when my wife reminded me that I should love someone or forgive someone, it took intention and effort. In truth, it should be easy for us to find reasons to love each other. We are, after all, made from Love. It is the real Truth of our Being.

So a change in course is again in order for me, to endeavor to “be in the world, but not of the world.” And most importantly, to fall in love with life again. That was probably my biggest loss through all of this. I used to love life and life loved me. How about you? Are you ready to fall into Love again?